New Spanish Words

I learnt two new words of Spanish today, cerradura = lock (lit 'close hard') and cerrajero = locksmith.

Why? I hear you ask. Well, MamaDuck's handbag was stolen today. It contained her phone, credit card, sunglasses, other stuff, and keys to the house. It also contained a few bits of paper that had our address on.

She reported the theft to the Police, got a report and set about cancelling the credit card and mobile account. Given that the thief not only had the keys, but also the address, I set about getting our front door lock changed, hence the new vocabulary. We now have a lovely new cylinder in our door (85 Euros including 5 keys and installation).

Amazingly, we've just had a visit from two nice young Policias, returning the handbag. All intact except for the credit card, the shades and the phone. So the thief got virtually nothing - the card was maxed-out and is now cancelled, the shades were scratched, the phone was a freebie from Vodafone. But we've shelled out 85 Euros for a new lock, wasted half a day chasing round fixing things, and will now have to buy new shades and a new phone.

I have to admit to being a little bit disappointed. I was planning to spend tomorrow here in the dark with the blinds down. When I heard the thief trying to get the key into the lock, I was going to rush him with the blunt end of our broom, push him down the stairs and nick his wallet. If necessary, the ironing board is strategically placed by the door for a more serious attempt at achieving unconsciousness. Failing that, I know where the sharp knives are.

I have to say, I have nothing but contempt for these people. What fucking planet are they on? Why do they think it's okay to take other people's property? I mentioned our unfortunate propensity for being robbed to an Ecuadorian lady once, and asked her what she thought. She shrugged, and said 'you are obviously Gringos, so you are rich, so it doesn't matter to you.' Hmm, can't deny the first point. Completely, utterly, galactically wrong on the second two.

This kind of crime is usually blamed on Romanians and Roma/Gypsies/Pikeys. We can tell you with the voice of more experience than most that Latinos are actually the ones to watch.*

*Racist generalisation, not all Latinos are thieves. Investments can go down as well as up. May contain nuts. Although Romanians and Roma need to be treated with extreme caution. Disagree? Sue me.

Getting Better at Not Being Robbed

What a great title, eh? But if you've been following the plot, you'll know that MamaDuck and I have been robbed a great deal more than you might consider to be reasonable since we moved to Madrid last August.

MamaDuck reports that she spotted a robbing crew on a Metro train a few weeks ago, and gave them such dirty looks that they had to move down the carriage to find a new victim.

Last week in a local pub, the friends I was with had not one, but two laptops with them. The bags were placed between my buddy and his girlfriend, but he went to the little boy's room, and when he came back he sat between the two laptop bags. The approaching robbing crew was spotted by his girlfriend: they were very clearly aiming for the bag on the outside. My buddy moved the laptop bag and the thieves made a swift exit.

Today we had a truly remarkable experience. We were having lunch in a very pleasant restaurant in Lavapiés. Just after the main courses arrived, a waitress ran up to MamaDuck and said she thought her bag had been stolen. Yes, indeed it had. For fuck's sake. She ran out of the restaurant. I followed after putting on my jacket (my jacket is now effectively my wallet: it would be just too ironic to run off chasing a thief, only to find my jacket had gone for a walk)

We ran down Calle Argumosa. Yelling, shouting. It was a fine day and there were many people sitting at tables on the street. Some of them got up and went for a run. We never saw the thief, and gave up the chase about halfway down the street. MamaDuck returned to the restaurant, I continued down the street a bit. And then a miracle happened. A man came up to me and presented me with MamaDuck's bag. Unbelievable! I walked back up the street, holding the bag high. Somebody said 'local hero!' and everybody started to clap as I walked past them. Lovely, it was. MamaDuck was somewhat stunned and amazed to get her bag, and its contents, back.

It's only a matter of time before we actually catch one of these worthless assholes in the act. Expect extreme violence. Possible jail time. Because we're not putting up with this shit no mo'.

A Peculiar Incident [Un Incidente Peculiar]

I think I might have narrowly avoided being robbed again this morning. Or perhaps my Central Madrid paranoia has scaled new heights.

I was walking toward Puerta del Sol when a young bloke came hurtling around a corner and ran straight towards me. He clearly wasn't dressed for jogging, and he really was going fast: as if he was running away from something. I was in two minds about whether to trip him or otherwise interfere with his progress, but in the end I just got out of his way. He had gone maybe five metres past me when two older blokes came running round the corner yelling (presumably) 'stop thief'. They ran past me but quite quickly gave up the chase.

I suspect these might have been the possible outcomes if I had got involved:
1) The thief would have beaten me to a pulp and run off.
2) The thief would have beaten me to a pulp, robbed me, and run off.
3) The pursuers would have congratulated me warmly and given me a reward.
4) The pursuers would have congratulated me warmly and robbed me.
5) I would have a heart attack and be robbed by everybody.
6) I would be arrested and charged with assault.

Ok, forget about the last one: we're not in the UK. But I think it's interesting that not one of the hundreds of people who saw this happen moved a muscle. Another scam avoided, methinks.

Robbed! [¡Robado!]

I was relieved of my wallet on a Metro train last Saturday. We were on our way to see a band, the marvellously named 'Jamon Everybody', but had to abandon that plan due to lack of cash and bank card.

It seems that I have a tattoo on my forehead that reads 'rob this rich guiri'. It can only be seen by thieves. I plan to get it changed to 'I gave already'.

I also plan to get three or four new wallets, stuff them with notes printed in Spanish that say things like 'I am a bit fed up of you nicking my stuff', and carry one in each pocket.

Bah!